Over the years, my priorities have shifted. I’m definitely no longer the tutu-wearing sixteen year old that would obsessively purchase XXL pants that didn’t fit only because they had a goat pooping out a rainbow printed all over them (although I remain the same person in my head and would definitely wear this if not for my crippling worry about how crazy other people think I am). Although I do spend an intolerable slice of my budget on old clothes (that sometimes still don’t fit properly) and I do still enjoy pretending like the grimy subway carriage with someone’s five day old Subway sandwich is my runway. Despite both these facts, my style has changed, and so have my priorities. I do want to save for my future and stop impulse purchasing tiny white slip dresses in the middle of Winter, and ‘fashion’ is no longer something that extends beyond a desire to look nice and feel pretty.
Fitness is a huge part of my life. I hate calling it fitness because it makes me feel like a carb-obsessed, diet tea drinking, pilates girl (although to some degree this is something I once was), but it is what it is. This doesn’t really reflect in the way that I portray myself online. I’ve told myself time and time again that there’s no point in sharing who I am if it’s not completely honest, and it hasn’t been. So I’m hoping to change that – to dodge the badger that is the fear of failure and throw myself fully into creating content, writing about and expressing things I actually like and care about.
I’m still finding my voice and figuring out how I can inform and share in a way that is different from the thousands of voices reverbing on the interwebs – there’s such a saturation recently in ‘fitness personalities’ and information about wellness that it’s hard to figure out how I can be different, and also very important to me. If anyone has feedback about what they would like to see me try to tackle in the realm of wellness, health and fitness – I’d love to hear it, whether it be video ideas, questions, topics or even just a good old ass-preciation shot.
I recently shot these photos with Tom Lew of Egg Studios. We got together the rainy morning before Christmas – Tom is such an awesome photographer in the sense that he really tries to read who you are and what you’re about and get that part out of the murky depths of your brain and into the camera. I honestly have zero idea how to structure the huge resource of information I’ve gathered from years of reading and training in in my head in a form that other people can understand and connect with, so it was fantastic for someone else to just offer to help me shape that information via image.
The past year has been super pivotal for me in regards to my relationship with my body. I’ve been lifting and taking a stab at some sort of ‘healthy lifestyle’ since I was about 18, so although I’m no stranger to it, I had NO idea what was going on with my body. There’s such an irony in thinking that you can game your diet and your exercise regime to improve your body when you know as much about it as the dude on the train next to you.
It’s one thing to understand the basics of nutrition and exercise, but nobody really told me about really figuring out the reasons why you trained, or the self-esteem driven biases that change your ability to understand when you’ve done too much. Everybody really is different, and until this year, I had no idea of my physical limit, the effects of menstruation and being a woman on my training and eating, my capacity for self-discipline and taking it easy on myself.
I’m learning to listen to my own body more. When I used to read these cheesy half-assed cliches in women’s magazines, it seemed SO VAGUE to me. How am I supposed to listen to my body? It doesn’t speak. I would struggle attempting to explain to you or anyone else about what’s changed in regards to how I understand my body, but I think it all circles back to the concept of accepting who you are, wanting the best for yourself but treating yourself as you would a good friend instead of a piece of mouldy clay that needs to be shaped into something better. I’m finally learning how to be more deeply satisfied, to accept that my junk and my somehow both dry and greasy hair, alongside with all those random dry spots and my less than lean tummy are all way better than I think they are (or at least inconsequential).